Tuesday, September 30, 2008

god is with the brohenhearted

When Moses conversed with God, he asked, "Lord, where shall I seek You?"

God answered, "Among the brokenhearted."

Moses continued, "But, Lord, no heart could be more despairing than mine."

And God replied, "Then I am where you are."

-Abu'l-Fayd al-Misri, "The Kashf al-Mahjub"

Sunday, September 21, 2008

Tuesday, September 16, 2008


called bodyshop, but they said they can't let me join. worth the try anyway. there's another possibility of things actually working out in my favour right? so, yea~

there's next year's to look forward to. ameen.

also, didn't get to sleep in the LRT on the way back cause my bro picked me up from school.

after which we went to pick up our money. earlier in january, we did this survey thing. where you count cars, bikes etc. at a certain road during peak hours. got 56rm. yay~

gonna save that for penang!


my bro will be getting a DSLR~ can't wait!


smile, even when no one is looking.


you don't take a photograph. you ask, quietly, to borrow it.

Monday, September 15, 2008

fixing the unfixable..

now it's easier to find the way~


i got to thinking the other day...

i realised that i find (or they come to me) things to fix and fix it. and almost all the time i would be able to.

however, it hit me one day that i prolly fix things for others because i can't fix mine.

the three most biggest buggers in my life. two of 'em aren't present right now so perhaps i can push that to the tray marked 'later'. technically one is present but not physically. so i just won't count it...

the biggest of the biggest buggers is the one that i constantly think about. even more so on Mondays.

i might be contradicting my sentence before this, but Mondays have become my favourite day of the week. it sort of gives me two opposite feelings. in which i try to not think of the negative one until later that day during the one hour i take to fall asleep.

as for the positive energy i get from Mondays, i soak in every single bit of it and save it for the week long.

it is difficult for me to let go. it is difficult to let go.

i'm not ready yet. i haven't given up. i still have barrels of hope. and He is with me.


i had a wonderful meeting yesterday with GT.

we had new faces, zalikha (moon's studio mate), maryam (moon's sister) and claro (azwar's friend from the football club).

and for the second time in a row, azwar was present. i invited him though.

although yesterday, i had another realization, perhaps azwar doesn't really want to be there? does he feel forced to come? cause i have invited him quite a number of times...but to come two times in a row?

this is what was running across my mind last night "should i invite him again or should i just leave it open?"

because i do not want him to feel obliged to come just because of the insignificant favours i did for him.

aah come to think of it..i'm thinking too much. i shall stop now. by the way why am i even talking about azwar aka malaysian william hung???? meh~

---topic changing----

kim and shany are going to the international coastal cleanup in kuantan this weekend. which is so cool!

i only noticed the due date the day after it. i was thinking of asking kim if she would be going.

aah silly mistake!

anyway will try calling them and ask if i could join. worth a try ain't it


currently in the computer lab in school waiting for the next class. since it's ramadhan. if not i would be munching on several things down at the cafe. haha.

the unreliable LRT broke down again today. i reached my 8am class at 9am! thank God my attendance was accepted despite.

slept the whole way. head bobbing up and down. not very ladylike I KNOW. who cares? i was freakin' tired and sleepy.

planning on sleeping on the way back as well. looking forward to it :p


well i'll just go back to surfing now~

à tout à l'heure

Sunday, September 14, 2008

A man went back to transgressing after he had sincerely asked forgiveness of God and swore never to sin again. "How will God forgive me this time?" he asked in despair.

A heavenly voice responded, "You obeyed Me and I made amends for you, then you abandoned Me and I indulged you, and now that you returned to Me I shall receive you."

-Al-Hujwiri, "The Kashf al-Mahjub"

sambungan kepada szakif~

okay gambar dr depan sudah diperolehi.

kiri:imran kanan:nabil

Sleep, angels will watch over you
And soon, beautiful dreams will come true.
Can you feel spirits embracing our souls
So dream, while secrets of darkness unfold.

( Hayley Westenra, Prayer )
Maturity is the ability to do a job whether or not you are supervised, to carry money without spending it, and to bear an injustice without wanting to get even.
Write the bad things that are done to you in sand, but write the good things that happen to you on a piece of marble.

-Arabic Proverb


The Ineffable, about which is spoken, is not the eternal Ineffable
A name for the Unnameable, is but a name
The Unnameable is what makes everything what it is
By naming things you divide the Indivisible
Only one who gives up all his desires can experience the Indivisible
One who still cherishes desires, will experience only dissension
Both will see the same reality, but experience it differently
One who goes from the false reality into the other,
Will pass through the narrow gate and receive the secret of true life

The Tao Te Ching of Lao Tzu

in between

You know that place between sleep and awake, the place where you can still remember dreaming? That's where I'll always love you . shaqyl.

Friday, September 12, 2008

speaking in public


Good morning to Miss Nurzihan and to all.

If I were a philosophical extremist, I would hand pick several hundreds of people of the best features and attributes and keep them in an underground safe place. Then I will have everything blown up and destroyed to dust. I will build up everything from scratch with the utmost proper planning. But as we have learned through history, even when Noah brought onto his arc with him the believers, whom can be considered as a morally elite group at that time, while God drowned everyone else, the troubles of the world did not end, but instead it was reborn and carried forward to this day. Being an extremist is not the ultimate answer. That is why we humans have been scratching our heads figuring out how to manage all this madness.

So, I am standing here in front of you today with my proposal I made from a lot of head-scratching.

If I were prime minister...I would opt to practice secularism with a twist. What is secularism you ask? It is a principle of promoting secular ideas or values. I would adapt the secular ideology but with significant differences from an overall secular country to best suit Malaysia.

A secular state is a state or country that is officially neutral in matters of religion, neither supporting nor opposing any particular religious beliefs or practices. A secular state also treats all its citizens equally regardless of religion, and does not give preferential treatment for a citizen from a particular religion over other religions. Most often it has no state religion or equivalent. If there is a state religion, this should have only a symbolic meaning, not affecting the ordinary life of its citizens, and especially not making any distinction based on some one's religion.

It is also described to be a state that prevents religion from interfering with state affairs, and prevents religion from controlling government or exercising political power. Laws protect each individual including religious minorities from discrimination on the basis of religion.

If I were prime minister, we will have religious bodies for each faith to act as an advisory and consultancy institution for the parliament when it comes to matters regarding the respective faiths. I will have religious laws that concern only those within a particular faith and make these laws strong enough for that particular religion's religious officials to observe the believers' morals. Furthermore, I would have the parliament set up inter-faith laws, such that even atheists can not disrupt the inter-faith harmony without being brought up to the inter-faith court. I would have also a general religious court, where all religious matters of any faith will be dealt with, with the judges being well trained in their respective faith's laws, as for the inter-faith court, religious conversions fall under it including the changing on identification card details, inheritance policies and management of the dead. With the inter-faith court comes a body to deal with complications regarding conversions and to advise the parliament on matters concerning the inter-faith harmony i.e forming of laws.

Other than that, if I were prime minister, I would recognize all the potential art we have budding in this nation. This includes music, cinematography, various forms of visual art and more other categories you would have in an art community. If you really open your eyes to all this, you will see that we have the tools and we have the talents. What we do not have is the support from the government. If the government were to give funding and support to these people, there is great potential for us to be recognized as a country for its creative juices. We can have local stations air a significant amount of local acts, pushing foreign acts to second in priority. We already have certain rules governing the media, so we have the means to achieve this at minimal cost. In addition to that, airing more local acts would keep the royalty money flowing internally and that in turn would help our economy. While it is accepted that art should not be forced to a certain direction, the government should give a hand in exposure. Since we would set quotas on our broadcast stations, we can utilize this to support the local art scene by giving advertising discounts for art-related events.

As for the development of the country, in short, if I were prime minister, I would improve the planning of cities. If you have noticed we have really bad city planning. Everything is topsy-turvy. Several general amenities are not well kept or not in existence at all in some places. Which is a big turn-off for foreigners. How are we to generate foreign investors in this condition? Take Kuala Lumpur for instance, it was not formed with much planning in mind, but it can be fixed with careful planning. This is one way to give jobs to those many unemployed graduates! We will not go around destroying buildings which is not in the right spot, we would instead try to plan around it. Improve anything that needs improving, build what needs to be built and destroy things that serve no purpose but shall do so in caution so that buildings that hold a significant heritage value will be preserved. We have so few of those heritage buildings, it is important that we save them for the future generation to have as a symbol that there was a time when buildings did not look like a glass tube in the sky. A special branch would be formed under all the city hall to identify, restore and preserve historical areas and buildings. This in turn can be used as recreational and tourism purposes. I hope to see each town have their own historical spot(s) so that no matter where one goes in this country there is always an interesting place to visit. However, attention on preserving the past shall not affect the focus on the future. We shall build from our historical foundations and sprint forward to compete in the global economy. While the heritage sites will boost the tourism economy we will also continue with industrial and business developments. We will see to it that we do not waste taxpayers money by initiating more development corridors. Instead we will focus on further improving the existing ones to gain investors confidence and to expand these corridors if necessary. This will not only elevate the nation's economy, it also creates more jobs for the people.

I have more plans for this nation of ours if I were prime minister, but let me just stop here and end with a note of hope.

Malaysians, as a nation, need to know that nation building is their responsibility and that they are empowered through national policy formulated and approved in Parliament to do this. The laws of this nation cannot be amended or changed without a regard for its citizens. They also need to know support and resources are offered equitably to all Malaysians from the treasury of Malaysia's wealth. Then all Malaysians will take ownership and be accountable for rise or fall of this nation.


had to give a speech on "if i were president..."

15% marks!

you know i had full attention when i was giving my speech. haha

it was prolly cause they were trying to figure out what i was talking about.

later when i was done. Miss Z asked me how old i was and i said 21.

she replied "i think your speech was a bit too mature for the class" "i understood and liked it though~"


(fyi: most of my class are 18 year olds)

come on~

Thursday, September 11, 2008


i think i'll continue the post wee... waaay later on...(now that's funny when you say it loud)


so i went for the weekly meeting of GreenTeam (GT) last Monday. we planned on having the meeting then break fast together.

something of miracle happened that day....(lol)

well i was minding my own business at the computer room in college, suddenly my phone vibrated signaling a received message. it was from azwar. "aight i postponed my plans. so details for today?" or something along that line.

imagine the shock i had!! azwar finally agreeing to accept our invitation??? (if you were me or one of those who have been trying to ask azwar to come to something for a long time you would be shocked as well)

stared at the phone for some 5 mins then...
bloody hell! i haven't credit to reply! (the irony i tell you, usually azwar's the one without credit)

then it so happened that kim called me asking if i were free to go meet a lady we met at FFF. unfortunately i was not..had another class i had to go to before heading to gombak. i asked if she could send azwar the details of the day. kim agreed. and so, i left it at that. i went on to class still in the state of shock the whole time.

then later at about 15 mins to 5 azwar sent me another msg. "so?"

is suppose kim didn't send him the details. well i don't really blame her, it's prolly either she forgot or she thought the better of it. since she is one of those who have been inviting azwar to events but all to no avail. =)

then i called him using the house phone...but he didn't pick up. another try. he answered

"in class"

"oh um no credit"

"call me at 5"


yes, i went back home first before heading to gombak had to pick up the gift for azwar.

when i reached setiawangsa station...i bought a top up card.
sent a message to azwar.
azwar called back and asked if he could come closer to iftar time cause he has football practice.
i said, sure.

when i reached KAED and told kim and moon that azwar was coming they were, yup you guessed it, shocked!

"azwar's coming??"
"so how did you persuade him?" kim asked, i said i didn't even pull out the big guns...

wow. sufficient to say that's what we felt.

we waited for zayan, asna, naz and haneesa to come and decided to have our iftar at a restaurant outside of campus which is walking distance from the back gate.

zayan informed azwar of the plan.

we walked to the place (which was reeking of garbage smell. ignored) .

i suggested that we order tomyam and the side dishes instead of individual orders.

moon said "you mean like a family?? yay!"

yup that's what i was going for. we are sort of like a family. a very greeny one at that. haha.

and so we ordered and waited for iftar. crapping about stuffs. picking on naz for the littlest things. he's such an easy target. no offense naz! kitorang ngumpat pasal die kat depan mate pun tak sedar haih naz...i guess he's too in love to notice the world around him what more to care...LOL. perhaps.

...about 5 mins to iftar azwar called kim. since he tried calling me and i didn't answer (which i realised when he called kim. my phone has no sound. result of dropping it one too many times)

asking where we were. what?? zayan told him kn~ haih.

can you believe it he actually ran (most of the way) to the restaurant?? he didn't make it before iftar though. he arrived when we all have finished our meal. we tried hard not to finish the lauk-s. the ikan 3 rase. fuu...zayan was eyeing it. haha

we felt bad after that.

suh dtg byk kali da....bile finally dtg buat ktrang rase besalah ajak him in the first place. =_='

azwar~ azwar~

then on the way back to campus...i gave him the gift. it was a tshirt i bought in CM with kim. kim chipped in on it.

went to pray maghrib in KAED and continued our meeting. since we haven't really discussed any of the agendas...

watched 10 tahun sebelum merdeka

and then we dispersed.

zayan gave me a lift home.


we also made plans to go to penang during the December holidays!

here's to hoping it works out well!!


Monday, September 08, 2008


first time i'm writting from somewhere other than my home..

haha...feels like you're a writer. reporting. silly i know~;p

so yea, currently waiting for my next class which is 2 hours from now.

lots happened during the weekend. i volunteered for FFF 08 along with kim, adam, shany and zayan. since i was ushering people into the screening room i got to watch the films shown. and on friday we went a bit ealier so that we could catch a screening without having to worry about tasks.

i'll tell you this, if you were there, now you would have a different perspective on life.

the film are of real life, real people, real events!

i am a people person so it's sufficient to say that i had a great time...

got a free tshirt, stickers, an awesome belt which was made by indigeneous people (kim and i bought the same one except hers is with small beads and mine a tad larger), a bracelet by the same people who made the belt, got to meet intereting people, freaky people (kim and adam would know haha~) and gained experience and contacts.

so in the future i can do more volunteer works. i find peace there with the others volunteering selflessly, putting others first. just imagine..

there are much more severe happenings out there, be it our neighbouring countries or the other end of the world...we are all humans, and the same regardless. if we could just open our eyes a bit wider and we will see that instead of revolving our lives around ourselves why not look ahead at others in need. perhaps by doing that we could achieve greater height and may find in the end what we were looking for all a long...


that someone called me the other day. he was feeling down i guess, cause that's when he usually finds me; when he's sad, troubled, in trouble, in need of a hand.

"i just felt like calling, i didn't think of what to say." that's what he said after a hour has past.

he said he saw this episode in House, and a scene in it reminded him of us.

he felt guilty. wanting to see how i was living.

i told him i was fine. i'm taking each day as it comes.

he said "somehow that doesn't convince me"

i was silent. though i felt like screaming at him. "how could i be fine? how could i be content after that? how can i have the feeling of being alive? why?? why are you doing this to me? bringing this up now? after all this time i've spent picking up the pieces, you are back to scatter them again."

he asked me again and again "is there anything you'd like to say?" he said

gotta go. will continue later~

Tuesday, September 02, 2008


someone asked me today...

"what is the difference between a person who does only religious rites but acts like a complete fool when in society and a person who is extremely kind and generous but does not perform the obligatory religious rites?"

the person with the question is a non Muslim.

my answer to him,

"i may not be of position to answer this question but i will try. but know that what i say is merely my opinion and of what i have learned, i may be wrong. do not take my word as the complete truth. Well, I'll be talking in the Muslim context if you don't mind. the person who is kind and generous to other people is completely wasting his/her time, well maybe not completely but if he/she can do good to people why not just perform the obligatory rites? with it combined together you'll get a better chance to go to heaven no? cause helping people comes after the five daily prayers, if the pillars (because prayers are considered the pillars of Islam) of the religion is not there then how can you presume that your good deeds will be enough to uphold Islam? and the person who does the rites but is a complete opposite of character when he/she is not doing religious acts, well this person is also sort of wasting his/her time, when he/she can be decent enough to perform the obligatory rites then why is he/she not acting as the Quran calls to? if this said person is really doing the rites full-heartedly, reads the Quran, he/she will not be doing the complete opposite of what the religion commands am i not right? in Islam i believe that we are called to be balance in our lives. in the this world and the world after. It isn't as simple as conducting ONLY good deeds and ONLY praying and it isn't complicated as well. I can bring you stories of long past matyrs if you want. you may find more answers in them."

can i have your opinions please? on the matter of the question and also the answer i gave.


i just saw this amazing converrt story on youtube yesterday(moon recommended them to me. thank you~~!), and there was this one thing that the guy mentioned. it's about the brother at the mosque that he went to, to get info on Islam. the guy asked questions and the brother, instead of giving answer from his own thoughts and opinion he gave answers by referring to the Quran. this surah & verse, and that surah & verse.

truly i agree with the brother. and today when i finished my answer to the question above. it striked me that i was giving my opinion on the matter. i felt guilty, all over.. like i had just projected a different image of Islam.

please correct if i am wrong...

these are the youtube links

part one

part two

kepade szakif

yg pakai baju biru tu (tgh tarik seluar hammam). haih tak jumpe gambar muka die la.

nnt sy g gmbk sy amik gambar muka die eh

Monday, September 01, 2008

fragments of a soul drifting in the sky of my mind

then i would have no heart,
no words,
i would be still,
and still...i wish.


once i remember,
you talked of wide
endless fields.

once i saw,
you did things that
made me grin inside.

once i felt,
thunderstorms on my skin
lighting dances within.

once i heard,
songs of promises
honey tasted like dull sweets.

once i spoke,
of a future i was certain
i could have.

and once i played,
the wise and foolish game
not knowing better.

once i wished
once i was
but now i am

and finally,
you fled.


another look from you takes another piece of me.


my soul window
bleeds black tears
and they say you reap
what you sow.


you left me there alone
watching drops of rain turn
the pavement a darker colour.

blood-dark swift clouds
slowly seeping across the vast sky
and to my heart they settled.


from afar it looks solid
come closer and you'll see
the hallowed circles etched
don't push me, see,
i am human still.


like a lamppost
waiting for the stars
so it can shine on tears
and scars.


oh pieces of cracked pots lying around in my notebook.